“Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.” (Woody Allen)


When it comes to sex, I can explain the difference between men and women in two words. Allow me to illustrate. When a man gets married he’s thinking, “This will be great, I can have sex whenever I want to.” When a woman gets married she’s thinking, “This will be great, I can have sex only when I want to.” Therein lies the problem.

The battle of the bedroom never ends for most couples. It’s great when you’re first married because it’s all new and exciting and everything still works well. After that first kid arrives, making love becomes a poor step-child. It’s just really difficult to stay in the moment when you hear the little ones throwing up in the next room or even worse, knocking on your door for a glass of water. It’s probably a good thing kids don’t remember much from their toddler years. I sure wouldn’t want to answer questions like, “How do you sleep in that position mommy?” or “What was that noise I heard last night dad?” If anyone has good answers to those, please let me know. The only response I ever had was, “You must have been dreaming.”

As couples get older and the opportunities for passion become less frequent it really takes a toll on the relationship. Women start substituting chocolate and shopping for the pleasures of the flesh. Men just drink more and try to forget what it was like to be with a 20 something. Neither of these approaches works though because chocolate is too good a substitute and beer is a lousy one. There is no effective substitute for sex for men. To a guy, sex is the whole point of being married but to a woman it’s down the priority list after getting the perfect purse on sale at Vera Bradley, having a good hair day, latte’s at Starbucks, lunch at some trendy place on the Plaza or a weekend at some Bed & Breakfast where we can have some quality time together. How many guys have fallen for that proposition? “Oh honey let’s go away this weekend to an old house with gingham table cloths and antique furniture.”  When the husband gets there he’s faced with the reality that the bed springs squeak so much there’s no way she’s going to do anything remotely interesting and the TV doesn’t even have ESPN just Lifetime and Oxygen. My wife hasn’t cooked me breakfast in years, so I guess that might be something to look forward to at a B & B.

When you get past 50, like I am, romance is something you only vaguely remember. It doesn’t help that when the opportunity presents itself, around every blue moon, not everything works like it once did. The biggest thrill comes from the danger of that much physical activity. I almost broke my leg once trying to extract myself from the bed while I had a cramp in my leg. I hit the floor hard that night with one foot still on the bed wrapped in sheets and the rest of me upside down on the floor. My wife could only mutter something like, “Are we done yet?”

I can’t wait to turn 60. That should be good for a few laughs. Maybe by then technology will be available to make us able to relive our youth or completely obliterate the urge to have sex. It still sounds like fun and something to look forward to but my patience is wearing thin. It’s pretty sad when you’re watching pro football and thinking, “Those Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders sure can dance.”

©Guy R. Horst and grhgraph.wordpress.com, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Guy R. Horst and grhgraph.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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19 Responses to “Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.” (Woody Allen)

  1. Suzanne says:

    Quit making excuses old man. If you’re giving up on sex than why don’t you just jump head first into senility? Pfffffft. 🙂

  2. grhgraph says:

    I knew you wouldn’t understand. Did you at least laugh?

  3. Andrea says:

    Too funny! Any response I could post would be…well…inappropriate.

  4. Becky says:

    Too Funny…and like Andrea, I am not about to put myself out there with a response. Kudos to you for your honesty!!! Yes … still laughing.

  5. grhgraph says:

    Becky,
    Did you read, “Frankly my dear” from a week ago?
    Kind of the same topic and probably too honest for a response but I thought it was funny.
    If you all can’t bring yourself to comment when I’m this honest I’m going to have to keep trying to come up with something that you can’t resist. Oh well everybody needs a goal in life.
    Guy

  6. harq_al_ada says:

    Do you really think this stuff? I guess it might be true for some people, but the idea that these assumptions, desires, and priority lists are general is almost as ridiculous as claiming they break along gender lines.

    • grhgraph says:

      I never meant to suggest it was a universal truth. It’s just satire and was meant to be humorous not a revelation. But I really do appreciate the feedback and I will try to make myself clearer in the future.

  7. Sam says:

    Well I for one thought this was very funny and in some ways very true. And no matter what you write someone will always complain, or criticize… keep it up I like it!

    • grhgraph says:

      I wasn’t exactly going for a serious discussion of gender equality, just reliving some personal experiences I thought others might have shared too. I’m not too worried about what others think of me. It’s just a blog that about 20 people ever read not the Wall Street Journal.
      Thanks for taking the time to comment Sam.

  8. inga says:

    LOLOL!!! I’m laughing so hard I might fall off my chair or get one leg tangled up in the lap robe and hit the floor really hard with the other foot! Ever notice how after a guy reached 50-ish, your kids, neighbors, co-workers and underlings start giving you boxes of chocolate candy? Now you know why! Give it a try! Hershey’s is for beginners; go Ghirardelli from the get go! You may gain a few pounds causing the bed springs to squeak, but your wife won’t be embarassed! “Frankly, Rhett, I don’t give a damn about much…unless it’s dipped in chocolate!” OMG! Could that be the answer!!!

    • grhgraph says:

      Running a little behind in our blog reading aren’t we? I got more comments on this one than anything else, including one from a stranger asking me if I was serious? Anybody who reads this and thinks I’m serious must have lost their sense of humor entirely. Good news is I’m getting really close to my 1000th hit on the site. Your brother inspired my last 3 blogs about government, greed and the financial system. Hope you liked those as well.

  9. Hi, I accidently found your blog and the titles of ‘Top Posts’ at the bottom right corner of the blog caught my attention by having quotes of Albert Ainsten, Wood Allen, and so on…

    lol… very funny post I have to say! I don’t have time now but I wanna read the other ones some other time… lol

    Thanks for that

    • grhgraph says:

      Glad you liked it. You should probably read, Frankly my dear I don’t give a damn, or Most women set out to change a man… or Talking to a man is like trying to saddle a cow… Those are similar themes. Enjoy them all.

  10. jones says:

    i think if there is love there is always a place for sex and sexual romance ie, making love….cook breakfast for dinner, be passionate all night or until sleep hahaha and then cook her breakfast in the morning after hmmm sleeping in just til lunch… i think we forget in couples and in general to see each other and not be afraid…. that want of one another is precious and tied to self esteem…allen also said “intellectuals only kill their own” (in bed )—like students who add this fortune cookie sayings….anyway, i wonder if the thrill of sex should be the love of the other we find and refind a thousand times in a thousands ways…and not the idea of the thrill–a couple is romance reussite but many couples take that for granted

  11. Bud says:

    Thanks for the frank generalizations about men and women, Guy. I’m only a couple of years beyond you, and I’ve tried discussing similar ideas with others, especially my kids. What I discovered is that, while I’m more opinionated, no one pays attention to the crusty old codger any more.
    I took up dancing when I was 54. It’s a shame that I wasted all those prior years. As a digression, you made an interesting point about dancing in another post (“Frankly, my dear…”), causing me to re-evaluate my motives for holding a lovely woman in my arms for those delightful few minutes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
    In a waltz lesson a few years back, the instructor asked if the women had any suggestions for the men. One woman, a dear friend, responded with, “I’m not going to criticize any of the men and bruise their fragile egos. They won’t want to dance with me any more.”
    Wow. What an epiphany. How right she was; men are all about ego. We will do anything to protect that delicate little bubble of pride inside us. Our egos are what drive men to accomplish the great things of the world – build larger monuments, faster vehicles, stronger bridges – as well as the worst atrocities: wars, crimes, and our sublimely arrogant attempts to subdue mother nature.
    All of those are just sublimations for sex, however. Sex is the ultimate validation of a man’s ego. To have the most beautiful creation on earth not only passively submit, but eagerly welcome the most intimate sharing of herself swells the soul of any man.
    Maybe I should bathe myself in chocolate.

    • grhgraph says:

      Bud
      You get an A for understanding exactly what I was thinking. The big question is this, “why do we make male/female relations so complicated?” I like women and I would do anything for them generally. Well most of them. All I want is appreciation for trying to be a good man. I am easy to please and not complicated. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    • Anonymous says:

      My+visual+of+you+is+SAM+ELLIOT.+Boy+do+you+write+sexy.
      No,you’re+still+good

      • grhgraph says:

        Sam Elliot is one of my favorites. I’ll take that compliment any day. Thanks.
        Guy

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