Let me be the first to admit my mistake. I have been extremely critical of our government for some time and now I see the light. This most recent turn of events has given me hope and an idea for a new invention that will undoubtedly be wildly popular and very profitable.
First, let me congratulate the current administration for saving the U.S. Postal Service. Now that we know our electronic means of communication are being recorded, stored and data mined by the NSA, this can only be good news for the post office. Sending a letter has now returned to its rightful place as the preeminent, and most secure, form of communication. The post office will be able to charge any price for the security it provides to this great nation. This will also be a boon to stationery printers, pen makers, ink producers and English teachers. These are some traditionally vital constituents who have suffered mightily at the hands of digital communications. I can see it now, remedial penmanship classes will spring up in community colleges all across this land. The corner stationery store will return from its long slumber and replace Starbucks as the nation’s hot spot for social interaction or even more likely, Starbucks will just start selling writing supplies along with rented coffee and a comfy chair.
Folks, this is the greatest achievement in government in the last 200 years. Just think about all the good that will come from the simple realization that our government is deeply concerned with every last thing we do and say. Our wellness is sure to skyrocket as soon as the Affordable Care Act kicks in next year. Realistically, no one will even consider getting sick. Health care costs will drop precipitously and there will be hospitals fighting for the few who desperately need care for their chronic illnesses. That has to be good news for all of us and we have our government to thank for this grand bargain.
This wonderful new world of possibilities has given me the best idea I’ve ever had, the IgiveUP app. IgiveUP will revolutionize the way we work, play, think and act in every way possible. By harnessing the power of smartphones and tablet computers, GPS and the ever watchful eye of the NSA we will all be able to achieve personal greatness that was heretofore impossible to even imagine. My app will track our every keystroke and apply continuous algorithms that will calculate our behaviors to help us make better decisions.
Let me give an example. For young single girls, the app will keep track of word usage so that text messages like, “2 many margaritas at happy hour” and Instagrams with the tag line “He’s so HOT!” when in fact he’s got a nose ring and marijuana leaf tattoos on each cheek, will instantly create an emergency text message to their fathers with GPS coordinates of their current location. It could easily include facial recognition software to determine his job status, pending paternity suits and arrest record. This is the kind of vital information that the NSA could then sell, thus creating an actual profit center for the government. Ultimately, IgiveUP will give us tools for decision making that have never existed before and we know we can trust the government with all of this vital information because they only want what’s best for us in exchange for our willingness to comply with their good intentions.
So now that I have my best idea ever, I think it’s only fitting that I give credit where credit is due. Henceforth, I promise that every time that NSA satellite takes my picture while standing in my backyard I will use both fingers when giving the Peace Sign. It is the least I can do for my country.
©Guy R. Horst and grhgraph.wordpress.com, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Guy R. Horst and grhgraph.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.