“I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.” (Mark Twain)


Before the politically correct censors come and take me away to the half-wits house, (it’s just a pun) I would like to take this opportunity to share some of my favorite jokes, puns and humorous commentary with the poor starving masses of the younger generation who were born too late to know what a real sense of humor sounds like.

When I was a child, in the 60’s, there were many TV shows with great comedy routines and expert comedians like Red Skelton, Lucille Ball, Bob Hope, Carol Burnett, Groucho Marx, George Burns, Flip Wilson and Mel Brooks. These people were genuinely talented and they could make you laugh so hard you might even wet your pants. I can’t count how many times ice cream shot out of my nose when I was watching them perform. Now I’m sure they had great joke writers backstage who were paid handsomely to produce funny material but they still had to perform it and give it the right look and perfect timing. Red Skelton could make more funny faces than anyone and every one of them fit the joke to perfection. It’s really a lost art and now that Robin Williams is gone, we may have seen the last of the great comedians who could make you laugh with just their expression.

As an ode to this wonderful art form I have taken it upon myself to find and post these classic examples of jokes we will surely lose if political correctness achieves it’s ultimate goal, the stupification of America. I promise that on my death bed I will still be telling jokes, no matter who tries to stop me.

Let the fun begin.

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” Mae West

“Men are superior to women. For one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.” Will Durst

“She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.” Will Rogers

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.” Johnny Carson

“A terrible thing happened again last night. Nothing” Phyllis Diller

“It was so cold I almost got married.” Shelly Winters

“It wasn’t exactly a divorce. I was traded.” Tim Conway

“The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the dog to play with it.” Unknown

“Tips for Americans travelling abroad. Carry the Koran. Paint a red dot on your forehead. Wear sandals. Never ask how the Mets are doing.” Mark Russell

“I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.” Gary Shandling

“France is a country where the money falls apart and you can’t tear the toilet paper.” Billy Wilder

“Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” Lily Tomlin

“If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.” Rodney Dangerfield

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?” Woody Allen

“I caused my husband’s heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.” Joan Rivers

“It took me an hour to bury the cat because it wouldn’t stop moving.” From the Monty Python Show

“The fuchsia is the world’s most carefully spelled flower.” Jimmy Barnes

“If you shoot at mimes should you use a silencer?” Steven Wright

“The old neighborhood has changed. Hurley Brothers Funeral Home is now called Death ‘n’ Things.” Elmore Leonard

“All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner.” Red Skelton

“Instead of getting married again I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” Lewis Grizzard

“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would ever come into my neighborhood after dark.” Dick Gregory

There now, don’t you feel better? Laughter is the best medicine.

©Guy R. Horst and grhgraph.wordpress.com, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Guy R. Horst and grhgraph.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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3 Responses to “I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.” (Mark Twain)

  1. gwenna says:

    Thanks for the giggles and the memories. You mentioned several of my favorite people! 🙂

  2. Lotte Blot says:

    Lol lol!!’ So so good!! Thanks for the laugh!!

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. Dick Kuhn says:

    Good job Guy! Thanks for the laughs. I agree, we have lost some very funny comedians. Today, more than ever, we need some good clean jokes to laugh at. Appreciate hearing from you. Dick

    >

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